I just saw a hot homeless man
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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