Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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