your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
