You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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