Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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