When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
