My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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