there's paper in my vomit.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
