you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
