There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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