I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
