Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
