Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
