I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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