I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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