i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You took a bar mat shot.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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