fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
