If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
