I think my vagina is haunted
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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