kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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