this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
