i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
