Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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