No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just had sex on a roof
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
