VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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