About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
