Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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