Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
