is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
