and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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