Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
