My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
