And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
