We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
