I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
