K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
