she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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