if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
