woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
