I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
