I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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