Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
