Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
