Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
