So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
