i think i have herpe
just one?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
