I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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