I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
