Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
