Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
