he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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