so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
