Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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