things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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