Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize